Solitude: To Fear or Enjoy?

We have the power to create inside of ourselves an inner world. With eyes closed and in silence we can immerse intensely into life events that happened to us many years ago and revisit them with much clarity and sometimes strong felt emotions. We all have an inner world that can in this way be awakened and which contains, with more or less clarity and sharpness, depending on the person, our entire life history.

When we read a romance novel, our imagination follows all the descriptions that the author makes of objects, sceneries, people and dialogues. We have to create a movie inside of us, a live scene with characters if we want to fully appreciate what we are reading.

When we feel the desire for something that we have never experienced, we build scenes with ourselves inside that situation, or together with that person. We use the power of imagination and thought to fantasize the pleasure and happiness that we suppose we will live.

When we are afraid of the future we use this same capacity again to create an inner world through imagination and thought. Only this time we create a nightmare, a horror scene, in greater or lesser intensity.

In childhood and in youth we have intense and abundant desires. The world is a mystery to be uncovered and the spirit of adventure is alive in us, to a greater or lesser extent. As the years go by, and the number of our fulfilled desires increases, we experience failures, disappointments. Disappointment because we do not obtain what we desire and because what we so desired and now have is not as good as we imagined it would be.

It’s much easier to find young people who are optimists and enthusiastic than in middle-aged people or older. With the latter, it is not rare to find pessimism, apathy, fear of the future.

Sometimes we are so afraid of a situation that we are unable to perceive it clearly. What we have feared has arrived. We become frightened. It may be a disease, unemployment, a period of loneliness in our love life. Some situations are temporary, others are here to stay. Others still we don’t know if it will be temporary, lasting, or permanent.

Take for example an undesirable period of loneliness in one’s love life. Be it because we have just ended a long relationship which we did not wish to continue, of which the nurturing power for us had been depleted, or because someone who we loved very much has abandoned us. Would it be the affective solitude that is so unbearable or is it the fantasy we have that it will last forever that turns unbearable? If I am married or in a serious relationship, it can happen that my other half, for inevitable reasons, has to go away for a couple of months to another town or country. If it is someone with whom I feel secure, it can be relatively easy to go through a period of solitude because I ‘know’ that it will be temporary. I can do a regressive countdown until our next encounter. I can use this time to catch up with friends with whom I generally spend little time with, go on little outings that, if my other was around, he or she would not be very fond of, leading to feelings of jealousy or even abandonment.

Inside of this whole situation we are at ease because we fantasize a favorable future. It is only a fantasy, a probable future but never a guaranteed one. But since we are not afraid, we can enjoy every second of it. It may be that our love never comes back, it may be that we die suddenly before he or she gets back. But since we have no good reason to be suspicious or afraid, we can be happy while we await their return.

Let’s get back to the person who at the moment is alone in his love life. It may be that he will stay alone for a month, a year or many years until a new companion comes along. It will depend on the kind of future fantasy the person has and their capacity to enjoy the present moment, the degree of suffering or happiness being experienced in the situation. Many times we are dramatic: ‘It’s impossible to be happy when you’re alone.’ ‘I’ll never find true love again.’ ‘My life is going to be hell, empty and bitter, if I don’t find someone soon.’

Do you really think that there’s never been an adult human being who has felt very happy alone for a few hours, reading a book, watching a movie, writing a letter, talking with a friend or relative, studying, painting or getting involved in some kind of creative activity – sewing, embroidering, going on walks, admiring photos, fixing something, remembering happy moments of their life?

When we are afraid, riddled with catastrophic fantasies about the future, we often behave like whiny little children: ‘I want it because I want it, I have to have it right now or else I won’t be able to bear it anymore.’

If we are afraid of the future in the long run, we have to shift our focus. One day at a time. What can I do today that will pick me up, amuse me, entertain me? What can I discover today that will feed my soul, which will help me grow as a person? Tomorrow might just be a great day. Unexpected events might happen or I may rediscover wonderful activities or people. One day at a time, think, remember: What do I already like to do, makes me happy, and which I have not enjoyed for a while?

It happens regularly when we have a stable and long lasting love relationship with someone to get a little tired of this person, to want to take time alone or with other people. To live with someone is tiresome, being obligated to stay constantly glued to the person. This is where we have the opportunity to see our capacity to enjoy life happily outside the love relationship.

Patience, good will, a good bet on the future, focus on the present moment, value friendships, make interesting or creative pastimes. Simple resources are in almost everyone’s reach which can make an enormous difference when we are alone. It is shocking but true: Sometimes it is possible to be very happy alone…